‘Ever since you took my hand, I’m on the right way.’
Psalm 16:11 MSG
These were the first words I read as I peeled my sleepy head from the pillow this morning. They resonate whole heartedly with what’s been on my mind recently. Reflecting back on the past few years sometimes I scold myself quite harshly, why did you rush into everything so quickly? Why didn’t you go to uni? Think about what you could be doing now if you had made a plan! Honestly Fiona! Anyone else find themselves doing this? Read on.
I crammed engagement, marriage, house and baby into three teeny tiny years starting at 20 years old. Before I continue, I beg you to understand that I count my blessings every day for these treasures in my life, I know how people struggle for even a single one and I don’t take them for granted. But the truth is, I did rush. I was rushing away from my mother’s death a couple of years prior, I was rushing away from really not having a clue what I was doing with my life and trying to outrun the fear of figuring that all out.
But my point is this, that’s my chosen path. I personally believe it’s the path God set me on (if you don’t that’s fine too). My thinking is wrong, not the path I took or the journey I’m on. I look back and think ‘what if’ but what I’m missing out is what happened as a result. At the time I was stuck in a rut, I wasn’t in the place to make decisions about my future when everyone else did at 18, I was petrified of all the options in front of me. So I chose a safe path, in a safe job, but oh the things I learnt. I was taught to preach by an incredible pastor and I guarantee that’s why storytelling flies from my fingertips each day. Yes I played ‘grown up’ all the way through getting married, moving house and even having a baby, but really, when do you ever truly start to feel like an adult?
Having Florence spurred me on to get my life together in a way nothing else ever would have. Giving myself permission to not ‘go back to work’ gave me space to allow a creativity I thought I’d lost to bubble up again. So when I get those thoughts about how much easier life would be if I had waited to have a child, ‘imagine how much more I could invest in x,y,z, if I wasn’t trying to be a mother at the same time’ I give myself a slap and remember that if I wasn’t a mother right now I guarantee x,y,z wouldn’t even be in the pipeline. The truth is, my decisions (or lack of) set me on a path, my path, and that’s just the way it should be. Other people’s paths look different to mine, some were able to identify what they wanted to study as 18 and now have wonderful careers and, if they want their path to go this way, marriage and babies and all the rest may well follow in a time that’s right on their journey. I was too scared to leave my mum and that was ok for my path.
What I’m trying to say is this, paths are different, may we have faith that we are on the right one and courage to keep treading it.